There's a picture of myself in my younger days snack between a glass panel and my table displaying a smile that seems both foreign and familiar to me. I thought to myself, "well, at least I was happy" I use to have days when I am sad or down I would go out to a place and just sit there for hours just facing the express way chasing cars with my eyes letting my thoughts just unwind and then on the walk back home all my troubles would just disappear.

That was, when I was younger. I can't say that I hate being my "older" self, I suppose I learnt so much more than anyone else because of my shenanigans that I've well incurred in my teenage years. I don't really want to be like how I use to be, but I envy the smile of that boy that lies still underneath that glass.

I mean, everyone's searching for something in their life, or rather the ought to be, but the sad truth is even if you know what you're looking for, you might not really find it at the end of that tunnel, or maybe I was in the wrong tunnel?

I don't know why, Its just so hard to be alright these days, waves after waves of problems crashing over me, I try to look away from the pain and instead cast my gaze upon Jesus but nothing seems to be working out for me,

So I wonder why?, why, give me both faith and pain at the same time, why joy amidst of all my insatiable hungry to swear at you God, why grant me both Peace and trauma at the same time? Why? I rather be someone whom fall to his deepest pit than to be holding on to the best of me when I'm suffering.

He said to me, remember all the promise that God had gave you from the very start... God knows how I feel about his promise, there's just too many "buts" and "why" in this conversation to start with.

So I took a deep breath and plunge into the deepest pit and still I'm not yet there, maybe... just maybe God will save me before I crash and shatter into shards of pathetic little fragments of my self-confidence.... Goodnight!





HAHAHA! damn emo!!! :D HAHAH! GOSH! What a RANT, Josh! HAHAH! Alright! Goodnight!