I had a bad day, so much can happen in just a day and I wonder if things could get any better that worst?

Had so much problems that keeps coming back and forth like a tidal wave that tear my spirit apart bits by bits.

I use to think that I had people to talk about all my troubles and down time, but right now I just wanna be alone...

No matter how joyful I try to feel, maybe it's time I shut it off from my world... It's fun to pretend though.

Test Is hours away and I look through my book without any sense of directions on where to go or when to start. I don't wanna think about failures but it seems to me that it might very well be the only way its going to end... like many other things in my life thus far.

Oh well, Nevermind.

In the end
Everyone ends up alone

Test Week! Murder Me!! Bury Me, Bury me! HAHAHAH!

Met Chuan and Yong at a wee hour of 7AM to study, waking up at that kind of time was something foreign to me as soon as I realize that my study breaks were over for good or bad. Sigh!! Sigh! Big time! :D

So I did nibble on the informations written on my revision paper and find it rather useless without any breakfast, because I think I have developed stress eating mans! I mean serious I had it since I was secondary school. HAH! Now I feel hungry so easily and luckily I have a metabolism rate as high as the heavens, which I thank God for! :D Now I can enjoy like tons of food and fruits and study my way to a tight six packs. Gosh, I feel vain!! HAHAH!!

Oh wells, So I went in to the test classroom feeling rather edgy and I was coughing my lungs out, so I was FORCED to wear a face mask which result in absolutely everyone's avoidance of me whenever they see me! I feel so hurt la! :P and I was sniffing like mad because It was real chilly inside and with the mask on I can't even wipe my mucus off man! It was the most painful paper I had to sit through thus far! And I seriously looked as though I had H1N1 la!

Thank God that the paper was really easy, I hope I can score well mans. I only really start studying like this morning? HAHA! Don't know what I was thinking also, I guess I had some stuff stuck in my head and it's keeping me from thinking straight. Gosh!

So after the paper I went home for lunch and do you know that Chester Lee is attached? Wow! I asked him what's the deal with this man, HAHA! sounded so mean! Then I congratulated him with a theory of the impossibility for one to love unconditionally at the back of my mind. Then he turned to me and asked me a question which I find it inevitably insidious to me.

He said,

Chester: Josh, how about you?
Josh: Nah,
Chester: Why?
Josh: I have more than I can handle boy!

HAHA! Don't you just find it damn amusing? What why?! HAHAHA! I don't know why man! HAHA! Chester la Chester! All the best okay? Don't be such a stone man, Hopefully Steph can change this guy la. For the better of course.

Okay, So after lunch Chuan went to my Cribs and we had a heart to heart talk for a whole two hours before we decided to head to school for our mugging session. Random: Lunch was bad, and I am hungry again!!

So we studied and all, and I begin to feel hungry. So we went to Marine Block to eat, the food was awesomely cheap and nice too! Except that the soy milk was too hot and I have Phlurrry tongue now la! And some chinese girl was eyeing me from far which I couldn't make out her face because I was too engross in my food. HAHAHA! but I smiled back just to be polite. :D Whew~

Okay, next we went back to mugging! and it rained! So the study corner turn sub-zero degrees mans! We were like freezing! And I studied a fair bit before turning bored and beginning to take pictures of myself! HEHE! Camera Gigolo some call it, whatever it is, I find it therapeutic somehow. :D



_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

To some, it may be a mere confession on about the very feelings they felt toward another. But to him it was as though you've saved him from self-destruction... Don't expect you to reciprocate but Thank you anyway... *Smile*



Never Say Never - The Fray

There's some things we don't talk about
rather do without
and just hold the smile
falling in and out of love
ashamed and proud of
together all the while

You can never say never
why we dont know when
time and time again
younger now than we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x2]

Picture you're the queen of everything
as far as the eye can see
under your command
I will be your guardian
when all is crumbling
steady your hand

You can never say never
why we dont know when
time, time and time again
younger now then we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x2]

We're pulling apart and coming together again and again
We're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x4]

Maybe sometimes coward do survive longer than those bold and brave ones, and once again my stupid mouth had got me into a cavalcade of troubles again. I find it really funny how I can always say the silliest things almost every time I get something right. I feel so light suddenly, felt as though my feet were lifted off the grounds and I feel like I'm floating away and I don't know why. Maybe I don't know anything at all. HAHA! But well, life have been awesome so far and I shall not regret what I did though I feel really bad.

So I wrote songs and more songs about how I feel...

This week was super duber luper couper BUSY like sheets! Last night slept like 3 plus? As usual and today had to wake up at 7:30AM to pick up Celest Cheong one of the producer for the film. She was so friendly that she just kept talking to me once she got into my car which was awesome because I was falling asleep for real. HAH! Funny eh, and she told me that one of her agent is looking for models for some MV shoot and sports shoot. So I agreed to try out and gave her my FB to see if the agent wants me though she thinks I can try out. So Yup, so it's not bad after all. So this is how legit modeling company source for people HAH! and not some street people who take down your number! So dear readers if you encounter anyone of those poops? Ignore them. Been there done that dear! HAHA!

So the shoot was awesome, it was some Indie film. Had this really awesome story which I think could be improved by a little bit, but since I'm from engine I shall not meddle with their Mass coms stuff. (: But seriously I didn't know that those people were honestly friendly man! So yeah, though I drove them ups and down but I seriously learned alot from them man. HAHA! So here and there I learnt abit and hopefully at the end of the day, my resume will be filled with things all none engine related! HEHE! Awesome! Editor, filming, modeling, photography, singing, music, presentations skills. I shall think of a way to glorify my God with all these gifts! I want to since only him can give me all these funny atas chances. (:

Celeste asked me if Engine was my passion? I just told her that though It is but I can't help but to realize that I excel more in the artistic side of me. Which really bugs me like hell, because test is in two days time and I can't even get anything into my head! Sheets! GOD please help me!

Okay, So I sent Celeste home after everything and was meeting up with Xavier and Charlene and Yong for Movie, then Charlene called me and whine to me that she was too early and asked me where was I? Then it was so loud that the whole car was filled with her voice, then Celeste thought she was my girlfriend I was like no! HAHA! Then I told her about this whole plan to get Yong to know more pretty girls because seriously Charlene has damn hot bod la! HAHA! just that she didn't know. SO yeah! then Celeste said that she sounded like she's more interested in me than Yong, then I super blushed la! I don't know why, I hate it when girls tell me that, I'll get damn freaking shy? I know it's hard to believe but I am!! Then I assured Celeste that I don't go for Whiny girls, HAHA! then she said something that totally knocked me off my chair! HAHA! "Huh! but I whined just now on the set" I was like (O O!) HAHAHA! Not that she's onto me already maybe just...? I don't know!! HAHA! and stupid yong will tease me with the whole love luck craze for me sheets! But seriously... I know what I need now? So yeah, have some faith in me! (:

So yeah, that was my day with all the mass comers and my friends! HAHA! And I haven't eaten anything yet since breakfast, though thanks to Charlene she was sweet that when she found out that I haven't had lunch she went down to the ground floor to buy me like some rice roll? Which was super delicious though I don't know what I am eating because the cinima was soooo dark!! HAHA! oh wells!! Thank God for her!

SO yup! I'm hungry again! My brother is at prayer meet and I am going to try to study again! :D

"Parallel lines, move so fast
Toward the same point
Infinity is as near as it is far"

So this is how it feels like to be comfortable in someone else's presence.

Closed my eyes and mumbled a humble prayer to the lord asking all these wonderful things and people to not fade away. I only hope that someday I will be able to find a chance to do something for them in return. Thank you lord. Amen.

Spent my tuesday with Yong, walked around in west coast plaza. Though we did not speak much, but it was awesome blissful. Learnt a lot through conversations over dinner. Thank God.

Spent My wednesday just cycling away to the park with My brotha Frederick and Chuan. We had some crazy laugh and I was the crazy guy who keeps foolin' around with the passerby, It was totally hilarious.

I don't know, somehow I don't feel so much burden anymore. Yong told me this: If leaving will result in a better life for her, why not? And I just smile and think to myself, thank God for all that achievements so far. I shouldn't be so selfish eh? *Smile*

SO Yup!

As for The EVIL Girl, you know who you are! You threaten to block ME!!! HAHAH! Thanks though, I know where you're coming from, beside being all evil and stuff? HAHAHA!

After a few days of dreaded emptiness I've finally found something that is of worth to blog about. I've come to realize that there are things in my life that I can't change and I guess along the way I forgotten the fact and I was on my way to another endless route. I was really frustrated with myself with all the things that was going on around me, I don't suppose I could be any stronger because those are the things that were important to me. But I just pray, in the loo, in my car, in the concert, in my event, in every possible situation I pray. To me, that was the only thing I can do because to me there was literally a dead end in front of me and every step I made just marks another bump on the wall.

Sunday: I learnt that though sometimes one put in much effort and emotion into something that they strongly believe in, it's never too late to make a u turn and walk another path though it may be damn hard but a moment of pain than a life time of meaningless race.

Then I learnt that though things don't always turn out the way we always hoped for but we should always find the better part of anything and not beat ourselves up for it. He turns even the worst situation into something beautiful.

:Courtesy of my awesome God.

Okay, today I received a email from someone which I think is really meaningful and probably encouraging to some.

We can never overcome our past, we only outgrow them. By that I mean we only become stronger by the day and as much as we want to we can never get over it, we just move on. I seriously believe that as human we can only handle a certain degree of disappointment but one thing encouraging is that we become stronger with each mistake we made. Thus making it a milestone for the future? Yup!

To be honest, I don't know if tomorrow comes I will feel all normal and free from all the past mistakes but I know I have to try and be strong. As much as I hate to? I have to. But I won't know, if I can. I just won't know.

"every time you smile, I just grow stronger. Thank you potong! (:

Well.

I woke up to another four aspirin morning, frustrations fill my head with the knowledge that I'm still pretty much the same broken self as when I left for my trip. Was I expecting too much out from myself? Or am I just too overly sensitive to misunderstood what might not even be there. If I just step out of the lens of this scope for a day, will I recover from this sick cycle?

It sucks to know that all your friends only belong to the online society, It's funny huh? Nowadays you don't talk you write to communicate which is what I'm doing now, irony people don't talk they just speak, Maybe I'm just too discourage thats all. Suicide? Never in my plan so I apologize if I sounded like I needed a death wish. And My words, honestly I think, I tried, I just cannot pretend to be happy? I mean I don't enjoy being this way everyday, waking up knowing that the more I see the less I know? And that everything that I ever held on to is being drifted away slowly as soon as I begin to think that everything is okay? But it's not? Comes to a point where You try every possible way to change, to walk, to pick yourself up and smile. But the cracks just propagates deeper and wider till you can literally feel your spirit falling apart. Honestly, my blog is my ranting place? but deep inside I wanna fill it with thoughts that are positively worth remembering years down the road but I just don't know how?

"Stop and look away, when the very thing that is killing you is the sight."



Oh well, whatever, nevermind. I'm sure, I'll be just fine. . .



This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin' off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're tryin' to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What you need, what you need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...

Intentionally blank

If Barbie is so popular, Why do we have to buy all her friends?

This was totally hilarious and downright dumb in a way, saw it on a magazine the other day when I was looking for inspiration for my magazine's editor's note.

Now that my magazine's all done, I need to find my focus back to study for my papers. I need strength to pick up the pen and do it, but till now I'm still clueless on what to study for.

Sometimes I wonder, did I spent my time fruitfully? or was I wasting it all on something which is less important and practical, seems like I've playing this whole holiday and yet nothing was done. MST is just one week away and I'm doom for sure if I don't start right now.

I need to find myself! I cannot rely on material item to get by!

One problem I face is that though I have tons of friends I still cannot fully commit to them, in a way that I be damn honest and show my true self, Sarah once told me that I need to be more "down to earth" and I guess I spent years trying to figure out what Down to earth means to me, and now I see. I wish I saw it earlier but now that I've lost everything thats ever make sense to me. I think I'm ready to see if I can change to be a better person.

Though It's still scary to come down from where I am, where nobody can guess my feelings and (gosh, I hate this) my poker face? And yeah. But still I've got to try, gonna muster every confidence I have and cannon ball into the water!

Anyway, thanks to those who were being really awesome and always being there when I least expected it.

My beloved, Edmund Chan Wei Hao, Hao Lian de Hao.
Listening, Aik Choo
Accepting, Huiru
Caring, Jia Ling

Last but not least, The most I don't know how to put it? Amazing, loud, funny, scary? , Vanessa Yong'

Today was another ordinary day for me, with me and my brother just sleeping till like 2PM! Pig out! and went for lunch with our Sister and had loads of food because me and my brother were damn hungry! HEHEHE! :P Then after lunch our mom called and asked if we wanted go for a swim?

The sun was shining brightly. . .
My dad is going. . .
We just had our lunch, it might be good to shed off that excess fats...

Why not?!

So we agreed, then went to Queenstown Swimming Pool! Nothing much happen, it was fun! Had some girls looking at me and my brother, more of me I think? HAHA! :P And when we were bathing there is this guy kept staring at us, I suspect he's gay. True enough when I was bathing when I open my door to get tower from my brother he like dash to see my bod la! What the hell! I think it's really disgusting? Because he is like some china dude? And like damn stupid looking la! I have nothing against gays? I have respect for them as a person but if they can't even respect themselves in public places I only have one word for them: Perverted MOFO!

Then head off to dinner with the family over at red hill. Had some awesome food and some talk about us kids. It was quite nice because though some issues were still left unsolved inside the family it's just nice to sit down and have dinner. (:

So nothing much? I guess, just keep sneezing like nobody's beeswax! Like imagine you see this quite cute guy wearing a white tank top walking towards you, and suddenly he sneezes and all his mucus is all over his face!! That was like me!! HAHAH! I don't care! My mom always there to hand me tissues for all my issues!



This is morning
That's when I spend the most time
Thinking 'bout what I've given up
This is a warning
When you start the day just to close the curtains
You're thinking about what I've given up

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I'm writing you a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I rearrange the songs again
This mix could burn a hole in anyone
But it was you I was thinking of
It was you I was thinking of

I read your letter
The one you left when you broke into my house
I'm Retracing ever step you made
And you said you meant it
And there's a piece of me in every single
Second of every single day
But if it's true then tell me how it got this way

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I'm writing you a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I rearrange the songs again
This mix could burn a hole in anyone
But it was you I was thinking of

A can't get to you
I can't get to you
I can't get to you, you, you

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I'll conduct a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I'm cutting through you track by track
I swear to God this mix could sink the sun
But it was you I was thinking of
It was you I was thinking of

And where are you now?
(And where are you now?)
And where are you now?
(And where are you now?)

And this is my mixed tape for her
It's like I wrote every note with my own fingers

The weather is getting cooler, my cough is gone and the seasons are changing. (: Finally the heat is over and maybe it's time to pick myself up. Someone came to me this week and told me that all my blog entry are really emotional and in a way it helped her to relate it because she just lost someone special too. . . It made me think hard on what she said because if someone who's outside of all this can see and feel my words? I wonder if the person whom the very reason I'm writing for, can she feel it too? I don't know, so far no reaction yet. HAHA! Not that I'm expecting something, but if this other girl can feel it, surely it would be easy to see my point. But ahwells. . .

The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Ever wonder if it's all for you

Today, was damn happy with myself. Because I have finally manage to finish all my articles and It was darn awesome because I've never knew writing could be so therapeutic! Apart from all my Emotional blog entry, But I would like to thank God. Though there is still a tiny pinch on the failed relationship but slowly getting better. Though... (: Oh wells, I'm just glad that at lease one of us is happy with their life now. That's something to be happy about. I guess through out all this I realize one thing, It's hard to see the bigger picture when you're having something. You just throw it around? Fiddle with it once in a while. You never really remember how to cherish something till it's really gone from you forever? I learn it the hard way, though it's not a good feeling after all but I'm glad that those years of bliss made me a better person. And I refuse to regret! (: So I can only say, I have had the best, just that I'm too young to know?

Having another half has never been on my plan, people asked me if I would find another girl to complete me again. I just smile and think to myself, it's not important at all. Though secretly I pray that my first would be my last. But yeah, I'm not looking for love tonight, though seriously tons of suitors are like flooding in like WHAT?! but seriously la! HAHA! What do I know, I don't even care. Sounds bit proud but really, like what I said earlier being attach was never in my agenda! Unless it's Nessa! HAHA! Gosh, she's like the perfect Sister for me! I'm just kidding! Don't skin me! HAHA!

Ah, This is my current state of mind. Funny, Stupid and downright nonsensical. But that's just life. You know what you know only to find that you know nothing and that what you know you end up not knowing. . .

I'm alive and well, (:

Finally a mandarin song that I can understand, I struggle hard to understand this song but as the meaning become clearer to me with each repeat. . . tears just flow from my eyes to the river in my heart.

It's hard, but I must. . .

Wipe off your tears, and go.




如果你眼神能够为我 片刻的降临
如果你能听到 心碎的声音
沉默的守护著你 沉默的等奇迹
沉默的让自己 像是空气
大家都吃著聊著笑著 今晚多开心
最角落里的我 笑得多合群
盘底的洋葱像我 永远是调味品
偷偷的看著你 偷偷的隐藏著自己

如果你愿意一层一层一层 的剥开我的心
你会发现 你会讶异
你是我 最压抑 最深处的秘密

如果你愿意一层一层一层 的剥开我的心
你会鼻酸 你会流泪
只要你能 听到我 看到我的全心全意

听你说你和你的他们 暧昧的空气
我和我的绝望 装得很风趣
我就像一颗洋葱 永远是配角戏
多希望能与你 有一秒 专属的剧情

My dad scraped my blue van this morning, it was my first vehicle. Still remember the day I got my license and the first person I drove and the very things that we said on it. I just brings back so much precious memory. And I woke up too late to look at it again, just a slip of fine that once slapped on its windscreen that states its car plate number. Don't know why, it's not the van really. Just the people that were once on it. . .

Trying to remember how it feels like to be fine, having a kind of peace and security within myself. . . What really makes a man? a strong sense of self or just simply the strength to move on?



I don't know how or why I became like this, there are others who told me that I was getting better each time they see me but deep inside I just feel really rotten and jaded. How come everyone just seems so 'okay' and the days just kinda pass them by with ease, with every setting sun they moved on to better ground and I can only see myself still stuck in the place where you last left me. I'm unmovable.

I have run out of excuses and reasons to tell myself that I'll be alright, I suppose with every plan I make is a sub-conscious effort to get better inside but it just brings me back to the same old place. . .

I got out of a crowded room to another one with just me beside myself, those sappy love songs that I constantly stumble upon through performance by others(gig,radio) just brings back so much memories and it seems like everywhere I go I see the silhouette of what seems like the perfect lover. So I just close my eyes and pray that it will all go away but when I open my eyes it just got clearer, their expressions, laughters, tears and the very touch they both once shared. . . Maybe from where I'm at I'm the only one in this who is feeling this way. I don't wanna stay on because It's too draining and painful but I cannot run away my feet are stuck to the ground and with every pictures and words I just sink deeper.

Encouragement are used too often and I finally ran out of words to speak of. . .

Closed my eyes, take a deep breath and hope that it'd be gone when I finally muster the strength to open them up again. . .

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I’m not who I used to be.
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise,
The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw,
Something he was not looking for; both a beginning and an end.
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize,
When he catches his reflection on accident.

On the back of a motor bike,
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight;
Leaving everything behind.
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete,
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men,
'Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides,
Like brothers on a hotel bed.
Like brothers on a hotel bed.
Like brothers on a hotel bed.
Like brothers on a hotel bed.

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I’m not who I used to be.



"well, It doesn't really matter anymore..."

Finally I have finish my Case Study" It was a long and tedious run, as it was the last day of submission. And by know you would have knew, I didn't meet my deadline. But thank God that the lecturer was gracious enough to give me till 8AM tomorrow. (:

Awesome God.

Anyway, I would like to give a shout out to Chuan and Julk Yong. Firstly, Chuan and Yong though I have been really slack this semester and have to constantly let you two worry about me. Helping me sign my attendance when I overslept, pleading for one more 5MINS every time I'm late. I wanna say that I appreciate you guys for looking out for me in terms of school work and my personal life. This week, though both of them already finish their case study(Project) and printed out long ago. I was the lethargic
one keep procrastinating till I learned about the deadline. Yong hurry went to print his to let me refer and Chuan offer to take time to guide me. And today after I finally finish the system failed and I was forced to rewrite all my report and the deadline was 5PM. So Chuan was with me trying to help me get it printed but it just won't. Finally I rewrite the report and print the printer screws up and there was no way to reprint except to rewrite it again. But throughout the time Chuan was with me and we missed class together because of my report. and he miss the deadline which our lecture graciously overlooked it. And on the other side of the school there is Julk Yong pleading for another 5MINS for us and finally the teacher waited for an hour and gave us a absent. And when we met up at the end of the class everyone just smiled and complain like all those hard work I put them through meant nothing more than our friendship. I am really moved by their effort throughout this period of my life.

After OOPS! meeting, I met them for movies and I took my medicine as it cause drowsiness I nearly doze off while driving. I'm serious when I said I dozed off because it was 5times stronger than my previous med which caused my head to spin. And both of them just kept making noise in my car to keep me awake and a slap on the arm from time to time to wake me up. And we got the cinema safely and when we're inside they are so afraid that I might fall asleep and not able to enjoy the show. And though Yong was damn hungry he offered me his Subway cookies for me to munch, I decline of course knowing how famish he was. But It was the most I could get from a friend.

Yeah, after which we part from Chuan and I drove Yong to Clementi, Told him that I know what was wrong with me and I said I was aware and appreciate them for all their effort trying to help me as a person.

So amidst of all my failures and flaws, God sent me great friends to see me through this period of my life. . .

And. . . a forgiving love that supports me silently in her own special way despite all that have been. God I leave it all to you now. I shall seek your face. . .

But things just get so crazy
Living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road, get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you. . .

This is my promise to you, I've made it. This is my MC. Had an X-ray today saw some white particles on my lungs, had a shock because saw somewhere in media that white stuff means lump = Cancerous cell. So I kept my fingers crossed and wait for 2 hours before my report came.

So I was okay, told by my doctor. But I think to myself, I actually kept my promise! I'm proud of myself!

Nothing much today, just meeting after meeting...

Snapped at one of my chief Editor, because he was playing a fool. So I so scolded him, Felt damn bad but I guess I was just doing my part since I'm the oldest one there.

The models were playing guitar there today, So I dropped by to say hi and see how they were doing. There's this boy named Eugene. On the surface he looked really unapproachable and all. But seriously when I talked to him, he is just like a boy man. Super young, only 17 going on 18. So I taught him a few tricks and Joey was there. Wonder why she's always so quiet when I'm around. Maybe it's just my songs were too boring. Haha! ahwells. Will be seeing OOPS! team again tomorrow, Meeting at 6PM~

So now, It's homework! Must finish my case study!



When I see your smile
tears roll down my face.
I can't replace.

And now that I'm strong I have figured out
how this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul,
and I know I'll find deep inside me, I can be the one.

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all,
even if saving you sends me to heaven.

It's ok...
It's ok...
It's ok...

Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
and stars are falling all for us
days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one.

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all,
even if saving you sends me to heaven.

Cause you're my
you're my, my,
my true love,
my whole heart,
please don't throw that away.

Cause I'm here, for you
please don't walk away and
please tell me you'll stay, stay..

Use me as you will
pull my strings just for a thrill
and I know I'll be okay
though my skies are turning gray.

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
even if saving you sends me to heaven.

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
even if saving you sends me to heaven.

Now you see it, now you don't...

I'm so tired. Just return home, only to find myself facing another struggle. Oh well, it doesn't matter so shan't talk about it. Hmm... Was at OOPS! office since 1PM, Hah! Was offered a posting of "Welfare IC" for my upcoming event at Marina Barrage. Cool, In charge of the teams welfare I suppose. So yeah, I really need to sleep now. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

That was my plan, where's yours?

I have been staring into the LCDs of my Fujitsu only to find no words coming out from my seemingly genius looking fingers.

I'm staring at my interestingly cutesy yellow handphone pouch. and Its making me smile.

So I frolic about in my board shorts and watched the first part of "Twilight", really amazed me how Bella could accept Edward even though he was rude to her. I kept thinking about the impossibility of someone accepting that part of anyone even though their core intentions maybe harmless and just pure concerns for the one they love with simple problems to express themselves? Maybe myself had that problem?(don't get me wrong, I'm not fantasizing the possibilities of being a Vampire.) Or maybe I just don't understand the rejections I faced because I wasn't expressing myself very well. But yeah a part of me said, it's just a show? but I thought without certain truth and self-experience the script or even the very idea of Bella's "unconditional" love wouldn't have exist in the first place.

So yup, as I'm stepping out from the scope I begin to see clearer and I think it's really depressing. Hmm... I need someone who accepts me for who I am deep inside.

I kept thinking about what happened today, and it's making me stall. I can't concentrate.


I kept having the thought of something good is going to happen to me this week or Month but it's just dangerous thinking. I just don't think so anymore. It's not going to happen, at least I won't allow it. Though I know "better days" are ahead but just not the "Something Good" that I was talking about here. I know myself darn well, I just don't wish to fall again.

Honestly, I don't really know what I'm talking about. Thoughts just fill my head and the fingers just wouldn't stop. But seriously sometimes ain't we this way too? Just as confuse and clueless or downright contradicting like myself now?

But one thing I do know is that, I need to let my wound heal and cut myself some slack. It's like the harder I fight, the wounds just gets deeper and more hurtful every time. I am jaded. Hmm... or maybe it's just me.

"there's a small card with words of empty promises resting on the dashboard of my car like it use to, it looked broken and torn, meaningless. So I threw it out of the window as I was driving down the highway but the gust blew it backwards into the very hands of mine. It really make me wonder. . . it really did."



Dear Joshua,

Spring blooms and you'll find a love that's true,
But you don't know what now to do,
Cause the chase is all you know,
And she stopped running months ago...


Just something my junior wrote to me, a part of a song by DCFC. (: