Was really down today, so I decided to cook up a meal for my friends, Just some random shots at my food. They all said it was superb but I can't taste anything? But Thank God though.







Dear God, It was as good as helping me plunge a knife down my throat every time I try. Why am I always at the right place at the wrong time but others have every chance to try? I'm at a sure lose situation!!

Is it your way of telling me to keep it to myself once in a while? Why? Joshua Why?. . . I just cannot do anything right, I'm such a dork!

Dear God, help me to speak with the right words AT the right time? Less I am just stupid or what?

Sigh,Sigh,Sigh. . .

"Just called to said, I got fine a 130bucks, 4 demerit pts? Demoralize, and my dad is sick was quite worried and needed someone to talk to... Guess I came at the wrong time again. . . Sigh~"

Someone told me that my blog is getting too E.M.O and another tells me I sound Optimistic? I shall come clean with you man, I'm upset but I'm holding my head up high.

But I cannot bring myself to say something fun or eventful about my life. Everything is so, black and white. What the heck, I guess I become color blind every time I deal with a setback.

Sigh~ another day, another struggle.

I have updated Poreo, died a little bit inside when I wrote them. Take care you!

I was away for a while
But I'm hoping someday you'll forgive me
But I don't deserve it

I'll cherish it well if you give me
One of your new starts
Just one more last chance
I swear that I'll earn it
If you front me for now

I'm good for it I swear
I'm better now I swear

In earlier days
They'd persecute people
They'd carry them off
And hobble their legs
For lesser offences
Than how I have harmed you
But still you allow me
To walk free of pain
Though I punish myself
I will never settle
The debts I've incurred
For scorning the face
Of absolute beauty
And measureless grace
And though I once mocked you
I'm dying to pay for it now.
I'm dying to pay for it now.

So hand me the rocks
To help weigh me down
And tether my legs with a cord tightly bound to the
End of an anchor
Thrown in to the sound
And test me to see
If I
Will rise
Against
The worst
That it
Can get.

I wasn't well for a while
I savor the things that I knew
Were sure to destroy me
And that seemed to hold me
That seemed to carry me where I couldn't go
On the strength of my own
But I should've known
That that gets me nowhere
I've learned that now I swear

I earlier days
They'd persecute people
They'd carry them off
And hobble their legs
For lesser offences
Than how I have harmed you
But still you allow me
To walk free of pain
Though I punish myself
I will never settle
The debts I've incurred
For scorning the face
Of absolute beauty
And measureless grace
And though I once mocked you
I'm dying to pay for it now.
I'm dying to pay for it now
Now
Now

So hand me the rocks
To help weigh me down
And tether my legs with a cord tightly bound
To the end of an anchor
Thrown in to the sound
And test me to see
If I
Will rise
Against
The worst
That it
Can get.

Well I wasn't sure that I could
Well I wasn't sure that I could
Well I wasn't sure that I could
But I can.


There are so many questions running through my head but nobody seems to have the answers to them,
Everyone seems to be happier with me out of the picture, I guess It's time to move on. . .

So I am suppose to hide it all?
Or am I just dreaming too much. . .

Constantly being knock out from my sleep is not swell at all, in fact I hate it. I've been up from 4am till now?
and the only thing that is keeping my mind in check are those mindless flicks.

"I wish you'd say something more. . ."

Woke up to a eventful sunday, just that I am late for all the events this time? Oh well, Today there is a treasure hunt organize by HGC and I think, I think it is held at 11AM. But I woke up at 11:20AM so I missed out on the race but when I reached I manage to participate in the drop the egg challenge. Muahaha! Its quite easy considering all the resource they gave us. But yeah, Kudos for effort for Avas and Alan the game master.

So after dropping the egg I went home to have breakfast with my brother and lazily I fall asleep again on my couch till 6 plus! Then I woke up and went swimming in the new Sengkang swimming complex. It was crowded! and the water is salty! So I gave up training after some time and start to play with my brother. Yucks!

Then had dinner with my family at 99. The food was not bad and I just spend 90dollars tonight~ so much for pay day!

"Sunday Morning" - Maroon 5

Sunday morning, rain is falling
Steal some covers, share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy
Living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road, get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness, she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning, rain is falling and I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself back home to you

And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Oh, come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow, driving slow (all I need, all I see)
oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah (bones with me)
I'm a flower in your hair
yeah yeah, yeah yeah

"Jesus Knows"

When tons of sorrow fills your heart
and questions cloud your mind
when silence seems to be your only friend
when all throughout the years you find nobody's really there
Remember there is one who truly cares

The rainbow, the star in the night
all creations none compare to you in his eyes

Do you know, do you know?
He loves you
Do you know he's been waiting for you?
Every tear that has been shed every heart that needs to mend
Jesus knows... yes he knows.

When troubles paints the road ahead and fear is hard to bear
When darkness creeps in almost everywhere
When underneath the smile you find is a child who's lost inside
Remember that is one who is the light

The oceans, the birds in the skies
all creations none compare to you in his eyes

Do you know, do you know?
He loves you
Do you know he's been waiting for you?
Every tear that has been shed every heart that needs to mend
Jesus knows... yes he knows.

Jesus knows, we'll never be good enough to earn our way to him
So in recovery he sacrifice for you and I
and all who believe in him may have
Eternal Life, Eternal life.

Do you know, do you know?
He loves you
Do you know he's been waiting for you?
Every tear that has been shed every heart that needs to mend
Jesus knows... yes he knows.

Do you know, do you know?
He loves you
Do you know he's been waiting for you?
Every tear that has been shed every heart that needs to mend
Jesus knows... yes he knows. x2


I don't know what else to say but felt really uneasy all of the sudden as if you were troubled or something? I hope this song will bring you some comfort as it has did for me. Take care! (:

Smile, Somebody loves you!

Was talking to Edmond Phon yesterday. Came across this ideology that he has set before me, which I think it's very meaningful. So I'm sharing it to all who are reading this.

Hand Holding (as how I understood it.)
When you take someone's hand and decide to walk with that person, be it public or privately. You are actually letting go of everything that you could have been doing with your hand. You are saying that the person that you are holding is the most important in that particular moment that you both share.

Just thought it was really different, it's like a simple hand holding can have such implications on your relationship with someone.

Anyway today finally attend my RWP(Report writing and presentation) class. It was a total let down, because the class is dry as assured by my lecturer. And I can't even choose my presentation topic!! And I am suppose to write a report and send it to the system to check for plagiarism and as told by my lecturer the system penalize even the word "the" so if you use words like "the","I" or rather nearly every shit word that can be trace through the previous years of word is counted as it. Shit system.
Oh well, I put much hope in my bagpacking class.

Then GEMS starts and I enter the class and sat down with thousands of unfamiliar faces. Well, technical I saw most of them before because of OOPS! events. But It's just weird that during event time I'm all loud then in class quiet as a turtle. But I am not taking chances on the presentation part, I am still gonna do my best for the GEMS CA1/2 which is oral presentation. (: (:
So after talking for 20mins the lecturer decides to release us early, so I drove back to school for a 45mins class!!! Plus next week is holiday, Sigh, will be missing 1 GEMS class or CDS like some know it. Wink*

Anyway, nothing much happened after that, borrowed Chuan's hard drive and watch movies the whole afternoon. Slack, wrote one song. Washed my car and thats all. yeah. Thats all folks! (:

"Someone once told me that I am someone who has a lot of God's favor on, So I am praying for you on behalf of all the favor God has set for me, so that you may have what you need and be joyful again. I am still praying for you! All the best and God Bless!"

Smile, Somebody is praying for you!!

Whenever I log in to blogger, there is always a strong need to speak out my mind. But time and time again, I've come to realize that these are just words, and words often get misinterpreted and thus causing me to be very aware of what else I could have said.

First up, School has been really slack/hectic for me, 7th Lollipop@zouk. Sold 20 plus tickets yesterday. It's something I really believe in and I will be there. I must say some female freshies can be a pain in the ass. So young yet so argh! Keep irritating me with stupid questions and all. This girl I talked to yesterday, she was like

Girl: "jump in front of me" Hey Yo! You are still here!
Me: Hi, there will be a booth here tomorrow. You can get your ticket then.
Girl:Don't worry I will definitely go, It's gonna be fun!
Me: Alright!
Girl: "Walk away with friends" So many people, I never go he also won't know. But I will definitely go la, he's cute.
Me: What a bitch.

I get that shit every time man, I talk and talk and talk just buy la, hahahah! Make me talk so much.

Anyway, on my point on the lecture theatre. I seriously hate lectures, now I know why people skip it like its useless. My friends have been signing for me these few days though I'm there! and the teacher don't even know!! Stupid Yong, Sign me off as a broken heart. But you can't really ask questions? Which makes the tutorial a tad more special. I'm so afraid I will not do well man. Those Sniggering bastard, can't control their funnyless joke till lecture end. "If you think pretending to sleep in lecture is funny maybe you should just quit and be a comedian, don't waste your parent's money" Hahah! I kinda said it damn loud in front of those MLR. duh.

Anyway, I have been thinking about some issues in my life recently. Should I cherish the good memories, store in a box and forget about savaging anything before either party gets hurt so bad that the box of stuff would means nothing anymore? Or Should I believe that one day, if I try hard enough I will see the light?


Because I can feel that you are giving up, i fear.

Two days of school so far! and I am already falling asleep! Nowadays I will be having lectures in the theatre and that is totally ineffective for me because the whole place is filled with pestering sniggering idiots from other class chit-chatting away. Well, I only hope the smooth sound of the noisy lullaby will prevent me from the retarded sounding lecture that speaks ever so slowly.

But I must say with much delight, nothing have change much and my friends are still there with me and all. I must say I have a lot of respect for them and since it's the second year for us, I'm gonna make the best out of it.

Sadly, today is my first lesson of Engineering Maths 2 and my artsy brain is already panting for lack of knowledge to keep up. I guess I just don't excel in numbers, calculation and girlfriend. *Chuckle* Friday will be some kind of presentation class for us and I can't help but to look forward to it, given my progress with maths so far. I'm very interested to know. Also, My elective I have chosen backpacking, Fahmi said that it's a course that is full of pretty ladies, I suppose that will be my lease concern. I just know that I won't be having GEMS with my buddies. And that SUCK.

Anyway I have a self proclaim "Bad Company" BC in my class. Who is always encouraging me to check out the pretty freshies in the school. It was totally hilarious because I think I'm in a way more daring than him but trust me, those girls don't interest me at all.

This morning I just went swimming with My Clique, and It was great. I don't know why, maybe it's my body. Throughout the holidays I have been slacking off and I suppose I have gain much fats and weight. But as soon as I swam and get out of the pool after an hour and a half. My, my abs were totally back. So, for now I must watch what I eat and maintain it that way. I am gonna swim tomorrow. And KK has really hot body, I can't help it, and worse of all he is not showing it off. Nice guy though, but still real blur. Everyone just kinda get that abs on the holiday. I guess there were nothing to do but play for them.

Anyway, anyway. . . Life have pretty much resume to normal again. I just hope I will be able to change myself for the better.


"The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Ever wonder if it's all for you " - RHCP

I am everything you want, I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be
I say all the right things at exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you, and I don't know why

And I don't know why. . .

- "Everything you want" Vertical Horizon

Haha! The title was greatly inspired by Miss Neo Zhaolin's blog post. I guess I had my fair share of couch time at home, in fact too much.

Yesterday was my last day in the CSU department and first thing in the morning I was greeted by my protege Janan HOE! It was fun because we get to partner together for that day. I had to impart what I've learn in the pass months to him within 8 hours. And he's really good, but I doubt he will remember everything single thing I said.

Then, just when the clock was about to strike 5:30PM the system starts to fail and there was an uproar in the office when people were trying to log in to finish their job before weekend. The printer refuse to print and some computer started hanging. So I stood up and told them to relax, it's probably because it's my last day and the system was upset because of that. :P:P:P All of them scoffed at me and laughed. Man, am I thick skin or what? haw haw!

So after my last customer it was already 5:45PM and half of the department were already gone, knowing that I wanted to take some farewell photos, Bernie summon everyone to come back. Ha! Felt so honored, then I called for a meeting like how the manage do, everyone crowd around and I started with a small speech and some jokes then followed by my "thank you" speech. To some it was a emotional revelation for them, working so hard and finally someone sees the goodness in the individual. My most important woman, Noraini. She cried after I thank her and Li joo, Bernie. Sorry, don't mean to make you ladies cry. Then followed by all the other people in the department. It was really nice to have them stayed back till an hour just for me on a Friday. After my speech my boss told Janan, "You have a deep cup to fill boy" So, I guess I have done a great job over there. And Honestly it wasn't even expected. SO no one to thank but GOD.


"'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street." -The Script "The man Who can't be Move"

I'm in office right now! And my eyes hurts like hell!

Trying to get a new life, summer never felt this bad all my life. And somehow I thank God for all the things that I'm going through. Because everyday by being out of my mind I manage to learn a lot more about myself than I can within a year. I'm really thankful for it. SO this is to sum up my summer.

Indeed there are so much to say and no one to turn to, call me prideful or whatsoever It's just an alpha male thing. I don't expose myself to my friends. But then again, who understands not even the people I thought who will, I remember I once told my friends that in life friends can only carry you this far and the rest that of which is uncontrollable by us is then control by God himself. I wonder just what else he can do for me. He's just so amazing. (:

Though I know everything is gonna stay the same whether I like it or not, I'm just gonna be supportive and move on like everyone did, moving on. . . (:

Thanks for reading my blog whoever you are, I think it safe to say that this is by far the worse two months of my life. I needed support but it's good enough that you are reading this shit, Grin*

Randomness and pure blankness fills my entire head almost everyday, If there were sleeping pills I would have been poisoned by it just to stay in bed. Sigh~ what can I do? My eyes are swollen from lack of sleep and my stomach hurts from gastric and my self-esteem is busted I just wish I can get over this shit as soon as possible.

Last weekend, Gene lim asked me: Josh, how can I stop running away?
I just told him with a straight face, "face it, face your problems, face your shit." Hah! but gene, seriously sometimes facing your shit has its cons too. . . my shit is me, and what is there to face? Gene, maybe you are your problem too. yeah!

Before you think this is some Emo shit, just wanna you to know I am smiling as I wrote this. I mean shit happens. In life there are bound to be times when you get abandon by the people you trust and you are force to pick up the broken pieces all by yourself. Haha! Ain't it funny, this cycle never ends.

Since primary school I was left crying in the phone booth all by myself because my friends all ran away from me.
Secondary school, fall in love with the very idea of a perfect person for me, but I guess I was just young.
College days, stupidly has a crush on this girl that left me broken till I can't stand up anymore. . .

But now, it's just different. I can truly say I thank God for everything that has happened and is happening to me. Though I am jaded but like I always say, whatever don't break you only makes you stronger. It was only now that I realize that to pick yourself up after being built up is a painful process but I can live with that, I definitely can.

Thank God that. . .
I'm Joshua.C

Honestly speaking, though I love the people in my work place but I really can't wait for school to start and move on with life, Ying Ying called me today, It made me realize life is passing me by and I have been staying stagnant all along. So after school starts I'm expected in the OOPS! office again, ready to do fulfill my duty as a chief editor of the best magazine in POLYS! hehe! Chuan and Yong, I don't know why after so many freaking days and weeks you guys finally decide to call me up and hang out! hahah! But I'm glad you guys did.

Dear lord, help me to recover and to see life as normal and colorful again, because all I see now is literally grey, where nothing's wrong and nothing's right. I can't even justify my feelings anymore. but God, seriously thanks for everything that happened. Truly are. . . Amen.

Blame it on my youth - Jamie Cullum
If I expected love when first we kissed blame it on my youth
If only just for you I did exist blame it on my youth
I believed in everything like a child of three
You meant more than anything you meant all the world to me.

If you were on my mind all night and day blame it on my youth
If I forgot to eat and sleep and pray blame it on my youth
If I cried a little bit when first I learned the truth
Don't blame it on my heart blame it on my youth.

If I cried a little bit when first I learned the truth
Don't blame it on my heart blame it on my youth...

I'm Sleepless tonight, its six in the morning and I'm still wide awake. There's a yearning in my soul for a certain outcome of what seems to be an frightening episode of my life. I guess I was never ready to take on any truth, because I was always predicting the result of every event in my life and now turn around the event was predicting me. I'm afraid that if things do not turn out the way I hoped for my life will not be the same again. I have always been ignorant of every possible mistakes in events of my life. I've always question the very insecurity of men and woman, asking if there's a need to be so glum and pathetic in the face of some problems. But now I see their point.

To my problems I've always rate them in ranks, if it was three stars and below there is really no cause for worries. But if I have so much to say and no one to digest it to and the only thing that ever make sense to me, I'm in no place stop myself from losing it. I'm hopeful but jaded, I can't helped it. If I burst this chance again I will never get another one again. This is a worry that worth a place in the five star.

I can't sleep tonight, though everything is fine but the longing is insatiable and my fear is constant. They said, confidence is who you are. why is there even doubt? But who knows what might happen when the only thing you need is the chances you ever blew.

I am suppose to be stronger, but I can't get my feet up and just walk. I hate to turn every opportunity into a complain because of my own insecurities. I have to be stronger Josh. But just how? when things are not the same and I haven't felt this lost since years. I think it is safe to ask what should I do in the very time like this?

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying - "Lucky" by Jason Mraz

My eyes are tired, and like how mark hoppus once singed.




I Miss you. . .
miss you.

Today is the first day of the holy week and with much procrastination I went, I was late as usual and the choir was just begin to sing. Their song really surprises me in a very technical way. Because they were doing this whole Acappella thing. It was nice but it got me thinking about their lyrics.

I thought to myself, Jesus died on the cross for me? Isn't it a bit too old a deed? I kept thinking if I ever feel any sadness or a sense of guilt it would be only because of this public holiday named 'good friday'. So I kept a skeptical mind throughout the choir's gig. After which the projectionist screened the scripture of the day. It was Matthew 26: 51-56.

As I was pondering on the verse shown on the screen I was struck by this vision. It was a scroll dropped into a pool of water and suddenly it starts to bubble and dissolve into the water, kinda like the Vitamin C pills. Then a voice came upon me and said

"Joshua, all the problems you are going through now, they are not there without a reason. You always cry "Lord take away my problems, destroy my woes" with twelve legions of angels at my disposal(Verse 53) do you think I cannot solve all your problems and troubles? Everything you do, every step you made, everywhere you go I have carefully place you there so that you can fully fulfill what you name promised which is "God saves" and "a mighty warrior" who does not succumb to temptation and sin. For I did not promise a learning journey without pain but all these happened so that the Father's work can be fulfill in your life. And as you overcome them you will see that the Father's plan is to built you and not to harm you and so that in the end of days you may have a life that is so full of faith and confidence in the power or the Father and a life so abundant. Joshua walk away from sin, do not turn back to you old ways for the lord is always with you. Do not worry about what tomorrow might be but seek ye first the kingdom of the Lord and his righteousness and all other things shall be added unto you."

Bottom line is, I didn't know what came to me and all of the suddenly everything I ever need to hear was for him to say "I'm still in control Josh," Thank God. He knows what shit I have to deal with. Jesus knows, it wasn't just nails, blood and gore. I'm sure it's more than dramatic flocking and torture. It's the relationship he's after. . . Amen.

Tonight, as usual sound system blaring below my block. Them folks decided to hold their personal gig there. I don't know why, their bad singing actually brings some comfort to me. With those happy sounding tunes and old folks frolicking around reminds me of how short life can be knowing that what's cool for me now may not be cool for others in a few decades time. But still, my lonely saturday were brighten up by that tuneless singing. Kiam Sia Ah peh and Ah Soh. 

Thunder
Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa
Today in the blink of an eye
Im holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what Im feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I dont know, whoa
Today Im on my own
I cant move a muscle and I cant pick up the phone, I dont know

And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Yeah Im walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think Ill make it out but you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder